Rereading old notes

I know this isn’t the nicest thing to write about, maybe I should keep it to myself but maybe, just maybe someone someday will read it and feel related with me, will udnerstand and I hope it helps. That’s all I care about… I’m going to share one of my writings I did when I was recovering from a severe eating disorder and when I was having major depression.

August 6th 2014

I can’t believe I am going to say this but… I’m scared of going to bed, because I’m scared of waking up tomorrow. I wish someone could understand the way I feel most of the time. My thoughts are so deep and painful, whenever I try to explain it no one seems to understand, I guess you can’t understand something you’ve never been through…
I am so hurten and in so much pain, I swear my heart even hurts and myself stomach too, everything hurts. I try to be strong but it is so damn hard when a lot of things keep tearing you down and people keep letting you down…

I’m so unhappy it’s terrifying and it sucks, I shouldn’t even complain because I have so many great things to be grateful for and I am. But I can’t pretend there’s isn’t emptiness in my heart. I swear I don’t know what it is. Being alone, without friends, without love, that hurts. It also hurts knowing that sometimes you can’t even count on family and even though they are supposed to understand you, they don’t always do.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I don’t know how to react or how to feel. I am still waiting for things that probably won’t happen I guess the more I wish for it, the further it gets.

The power of attraction is so rare, it can work backwards and instead of thinking of something and attract it you actually repel it. I wish I wasn’t so romantic or sensitive the only thing that it gives me is pain and it’s awful, it bothers me all the time.

I just wish things were different, but I guess you can’t just wish for things and expect them to become a reality. It’s all what it is and we shouldn’t even try to change it.

I don’t feel like a belong “here” and with that I mean the world, the people, society or however you wanna call it. I am different, I don’t flow the same way and I don’t really care… yes, it hurts because no one understands you. But I am who I am and I can’t be like everyone else. I like different things, I see a lot of things in a different way, I love doing stuff that not all people do.

—- all this writing isn’t supposed to make much sense, all I want to do is share to be free.

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